The Piano

"Female self-annihilation in bonnets" - Mark Kermode, BBC Radio 5live

The most boring film in the history of boring - an opinion shared by both the Good Doctors.

When Simon Mayo was inventing the game with no name, The Piano was the game's ne plus ultra - Simon describing it as "wet, boring, wetter, more boring, about as wet as it's possible to get, still boring."

The moment Harvey Keitel stuck his finger into a hole in a pair of stockings, Mark Kermode could see the student essays begin to pile up.

Amidst the famous March Of The Penguins creationism debate, Mark's view that because he didn't understand something ("how did the fish get out of the water?") meant that God existed was countered by a listener who pointed out that they didn't understand how The Piano had won three Oscars, but that didn't mean the film was a product of divine design. Mark conceded that "that, I can't argue with."

Both The Piano and another Jane Campion film, Bright Star, have been cited as examples of the Beautifully shot rule, in which film critics will praise a film's cinematography as a way of avoiding talking about how phenomenally boring the damn thing is. In the case of The Piano, Mark explained that it "gorgeously shot me to tears."