Santa Clause 3

"Like tertiary syphilis... Horrible and disgustingly putrid... At one point, someone says 'this junk is not what Christmas is all about' and almost as one, you can feel everyone getting up in the room and going, 'EXACTLY'!" - Mark Kermode, Radio 5live

The phrase "the cinematic equivalent of tertiary syphilis" sadly was not used on the posters for this Tim Allen Christmas monstrosity. Mark Kermode, who used to work in a hospital, explained his theory that you get it the first time and you get rashes and then it goes away; the second time you get really sick and then it goes away; and then you completely forget about it, "and then many, many years later, it recurs and it eats your wiring up from the inside and fries your brain and you feel your soul die."

One of a number of truly terrible Christmas films that have inspired a glorious Kermodian rant - others being The Holiday, Fred Claus and Four Christmases. But not Jack Frost, because Jack Frost has a great tagline.

If you need to explain to a child about the film without using the phrase "tertiary syphilis", you should say: "You don't run with scissors; you don't run with a toothbrush in your mouth; you don't see Santa Clause 3."

The film was so horrific that The Abyss was invoked. The fact that it was released on the same day as Pan's Labyrinth made the podcast something of a historic moment in Wittertainment history - with the question having to be asked of whether two films have ever received such vastly different reviews on the same show.