Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

"Western civilisation is on its knees, narrative cinema is crumbling before us, and everyone who goes to see Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest will regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some point in the future" - Mark Kermode, BBC Radio 5live

Mark was already annoyed before the film was released, on account of his children having taken to wearing Pirates merchandise. He was then further worried by the 152 minute running time.

The second step on the road to the Fall of Western Civilisation. Johnny Depp's Keith Richards / Anthony Newley performance is that of "a drunk karaoke singer showing off in a small room," while no matter how much water Gore Verbinski throws at the set, nothing is as damp as Orloondo Bland.

Mark's review contained a lengthy treatise on the importance of going into films with an open mind, and also took in kraken, CBeebies and the myth that Charles Manson auditioned to be in the Monkees.

Simon's daughter Natasha texted during the review to say "what is he talking about - the first one was great, and you got it wrong about She's The Man, which is soooo good." Simon himself was not that pleased either, given he had just spent £80 to take 11 kids with him to see it for his son's birthday party.

The film was succeeded by Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End. Oh dear.