Ode of Conduct 2018

THE ODE OF CONDUCT (2018 12” remix) By ‘Son of Rimbaud’

No wining, dining or drug dealing. No flasks of Earl Grey or Darjeeling.

If you must drink, then please don’t slurp. Please suppress all pumps and burps.

Don’t rustle sweets. Don’t kick chairs. Don’t furtle in your underwear.

Don’t use crack-pipes, bongs or spliffs, Aging Trots: please flatten quiffs.

Don’t come in late. Don’t practice hygge, Don’t munch on toffees, fudge or nougat.

Don’t crunch on crabs, prawns or mussels. Don’t criticize Sir Kenneth Chuckles.

Don’t dare to even suck a crisp. Don’t denigrate ‘The Exorcist’.

You may eat rolls, but not eclairs. Don’t sit near men with 50s hair.

Wear nothing that illuminates, Or socks from which songs resonate.

Adhere to seating allocation, Even if your name is Jason.

Don’t take off shoes and don’t deposit Your stomach contents in cleaners’ closets.

Poke-Gos must not be sought, Even if a ticket’s bought.

Please don’t bring your little sods To see ‘Aguirre, the Wrath of God’.

Don't bring your knitting or your weaving. Don’t talk of plot points as you’re leaving.

Don’t check your Facebook-feed or Twitter. Don’t scrumple bags or chuck your litter.

Don’t do ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘Snapchat’. Hipsters: - take off stovepipe hats.

Please don’t message. Please don’t Skype. Ladies, please extinguish pipes.

Please refrain from checking texts. Do not indulge in casual sex.

Refrain from searches on your browsers, Gentlemen, retain your trousers.

Don’t get out mirrors to ‘put your face on’. Don’t shout a big ‘Hello’ to Jason.

Keep snogging to the rear rows; This also holds for quiffs and ‘fros.

Please don’t wander. Please don’t stand. Please control all flappy hands.

Please don’t chitter. Please don’t chatter. Don’t cleanse yourself of fecal matter

Constrain your quips, however witty. Never watch ‘Sex & The City.’

Please stay seated for the credits. Bin your ticket, please don’t shred it.

One is allowed to voice objections If you witness poor projections.

Here ends the main part of the code, Decreed by Mayo & Kermode.

But as houselights raise and credits fade, Pop out your crisps and lemonade. Switch on tablets, mobile phones, And exclaim - ‘Hellooo to Toby Jones!’

Just to add one codicil, One time you may do what you will; Play your bagpipes, gorge on kormas, If the film you’re watching’s called ‘Transformers’.